As I was sitting outside watching our two year old son play I decided to grab my computer and see if this beautiful day could inspire another blog post. So I grabbed my laptop and when I opened it up the first thing I saw was myself.. My reflection staring back at me in my computer screen. I thought, well if that’s not inspiration, I don’t know what is. So I sat here for a minute, browsed facebook and tried to decide which direction to go with. How does one write solely about themselves? It helps that as I’m typing this I can still see myself. Hair in a dirty pony tail, big sunglasses to not only shield my eyes from the sun but also to hide my tired eyes, no makeup, a wrinkled t-shirt and jeans. I’d like to say this isn’t normal, but it is. In fact, its an upgrade from yoga pants and a tank top. But, this is me. On the outside at least.
Sometimes who I am on the inside is harder to find than my cursor on this sunlit screen. I, as well as all of you, know the basics. I am a mom, a wife, a woman, a daughter, a sister and so on. I am also a people pleaser, a decision maker, a loyal friend, and a hard ass when necessary. I told someone today that I don’t really fit into a specific category. I am very conservative in some ways and really not in others. My marriage and family life are very traditional, so much so that people have been in awe at how “old school” we are. I pray with my boys every night before bed and I like to think I have a pretty good relationship with my Savior even though we don’t belong to a church.
On the other hand, I enjoy going out with my girlfriends and shaking my butt while drinking vodka crans (although that is quite rare). I cuss a lot more than I should, but I can blame that on being married to a sailor, right? In our house, we tell dirty jokes and drink alcohol and I might show a little more cleavage from time to time than my mother would like.
I may not fit into a specific box but I am okay with that. I think what’s most important is that I do my best to be a good person. I try to give everyone a fair chance and not be too judgy. When I love, I love a lot. I am over sensitive, I care way too much about being liked and I’m terrified of confrontation. I am not perfect in any way, shape or form. I think everyone has areas of their lives they’d like to improve, Lord knows I do. I could eat more veggies, workout more, yell less and be more respectful to my husband. I’m working on me where I want to work on me and that’s good enough.
I hope that when people speak of me, they speak positively. I hope that if nothing else they’ll say that I was kind and real. And hopefully someday I learn to not give two craps what other people think.. not likely.
So as I just looked up again at my reflection, I realized I was smiling. I’d say that means I don’t need to edit this anymore. I’m smiling because I’m proud of this and I’m proud of me. I am proud of my messy-mommy, silly smirking reflection.